I feel like I've been running forever. The only problem is that I have no idea where I'm going, and I can't even go back to where I started. I've been running for so long that I've forgotten where I came from. Or maybe I feel like one of those planets, or stars, or whatever. You know the ones that explode and then collapse into a black hole? I haven't gotten to the point of explosion yet, but when I do, I'm afraid it will be big and loud, and then I'll just collapse in on myself. I want to find a place where I can stop running, where I can release some of the built up pressure, but so far I haven't been that lucky.
lol... I'm sure that you're all thinking that I'm ABSOLUTELY batty, and making mental notes to yourselves to keep a safe distance.
I think that the frustrating thing is that I don't know why I feel like this. Most days I do fine, and I can keep myself occupied for enough hours of the day that I can forget about it. Unfortunately, there are days that I can't stop thinking about how much I suck. I keep trying to fix what I know is wrong. I try so hard, and it seems like the harder I try the more I don't succeed. After enough of that, I begin to reach a point where I just don't want to continue trying.
Maybe I'm not patient enough. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Y'know, I want things to work out. I want to be happy, but right now, I'm just not quite sure how to make that happen. My life isn't bad right now. I have the most amazing friends. The best that a girl could ask for, to be honest(if you'd like to hear me go into detail check out my livejournal). I enjoy my jobs, and my classes are going well for the most part. I also have a very loving and supportive family. What more could I want right? Well, if any of you have any ideas, please enlighten me.
There is one more thing that I'd like to touch on... and I would honestly rather that you not comment on this because I'm not saying this to just fish for anything. This is real... so, just read and know that on my bad days, this is probably how I'm feeling.
I, like most people, struggle with my self-image. Let's be honest. I'm not you're stereo-typical modern beauty. I do understand that some of the social standards are unrealistic and down right rediculous, but let's be honest... I'm not in the *cough* best shape. I know that there are things that I could do to help remedy this, but I often find myself being discouraged with a lack of progress in this area as well as in those previously discussed. So, there are days, which have become more frequent as of late, that I spend wondering if I am... unlovable. I hope that there are those of you out there who can understand how hard it is to believe that others can care about you, when you have a hard time believing that you're worth the effort. And there have been many tearful nights wondering if anyone will ever think that I am worth the effort.
So, long story short, I apologize if I have seemed a little less tolerant, upbeat, or happy in the last little while... I've been a little preoccupied. I'm hoping that it's just a passing thing, and I'll do my best to not get in anyone's way.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Keely. Oh my goodness. You posted exactly what's been in my head. I'm trying to claw my way out of this pit of unlovability, but it's not easy, especially when I realize how many things I have going for me and how little right I have to complain. Thing is, it's not always enough. Thing also is, I adore you and I miss your laugh. Like I said this summer, if I were a guy, I'd so be all over you. You ARE worth the effort. If you're not, then I'm not, and I should resign myself to unhappy failure right now. I have a problem with resigning, though. I think a lot of guys (well, and people in general) are at fault. We don't know how to interact well. People are afraid to take risks. And it hurts, to begin to believe you're not worth that risk. Don't do that. Well, I guess it's a bit too late because you already believe that, which is why you feel you're at the point of shattering. I know distractions only help so much. You can piece your life together, but late at night, when you have time to think, it starts to fall apart again, and you see how illusory and transitory your friends and family and school and job and life really are; you need something else, and you feel selfish for wanting it, but it's not a selfish or a silly thing. I know nothing I say is going to help permanently, because truth is, I'm not a guy, and I really doubt I will ever ever be one. Just know that at least you're not alone. And hey, if you ever need someone to talk to while you're waiting, you know my SN. I'm getting kinda good at that. And maybe I'll even come up with a solution.
Actually, I think believing you're crazy is a good thing. A good friend once told me that crazy people are not sane enough to know they're crazy. So as long as you believe you're crazy, you're sane. Once you think you've regained control, you've actually slipped into insanity. Or something like that. All I know is, it's made me intensely paranoid. Oh, and waiting is fun, is it not? Just stay in Virginia. And to all the rest of you out there reading this. BYU is NOT the place to go looking for guys. They are almost all personality deprived. Trust me on this one.
Hi..
I stumbled on your blog and read this post and... I was just there. About 3 weeks ago. I had just moved to London, I was feeling kind of lost, kind of... I didn't know. I felt like I wasn't gonig anywhere and didn't know where I wanted to go, I just didn't want to be in the place I was...
Well... it accumulated and grew until one night, my best male friend decided to stay up all night talking to my roommate and didn't sense that I just needed to talk. I didn't sleep, thought stupid thoughts (I imagined what would happen if people thought I was suicidal - attention grabber or what??) and the next morning I basically threw him out of the apartment and decided I was on my own.
Basically - I needed to cry. I'm in the same position as you too. Not in the best of shape and it's getting really tiring to hear all the guys saying "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend"... and then not asking me out themselves. I'm not grotesque, I have a great personality. What is it??
Honey... it's not us. It's just the moment. It's a crap year, a crap month... It will change. I had to go to a different country to realise this, but maybe a change of scenery would do you good too. I realised that I have to look inside myself to change the situation around me, no one else can do it. I'm responsible for what happens to me and how I feel. So now that university is out for Christmas break, I'm taking a lot of "me" time. I went to the hairdresser. I'm buying myself books that I really want. I'm listening to good music. I'm actually starting to look forward to Christmas.
Give yourself a break from the world and don't be afraid to be introspective. The inner workings of our brain aren't doesn't always make for pleasant conversation but for better or worse, it's the way we are.
There's 6 billion people in this world - there's enough love to go around. But you have to love yourself first before someone else can.
So after all this shit, what I wanted to say is no, you're definitely not crazy. You're just not on sure ground any more and that's scary for the strongest of people. Rock solid will come.
Post a Comment