my livejournal

fyi folks, I'm going to update my blog and my livejournal simultaneously... sooo the entries will be the same in both places... sooooo you don't need to worry about reading both of them, cuz they're going to be the same, as I'm sure you noticed from the last two entries... thanks for reading :)

Bends and Horizons

I've been sitting here for about fifteen minutes. I've typed things, and then erased them several times, and so far, all that I've come up with is an image in my head and a few random thoughts and feelings that I can't seem to express. I guess I'll go with the image, since the words and feelings are less solid. I read a qote the other day and the image it portrayed stuck. It's from Anne of Green Gables. Go ahead and laugh, but I love those books and I always will. I guess I'll always identify with the romance of the stories... not the lovey kind, but the feel good, warm fuzzy kind. Anyway, this was the quote.

"When I left Queen's my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don't know what lies around the bend, but I'm going to believe that the best does. It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla."

I'm sure all of you have experienced that feeling at some point in your lives when you know that, in the near future things will happen that will change your life forever, and that once they happen, you will never be the same, and you will never be able to go back to what you were before. That thought is daunting, exciting, and horrifying all at the same time. To not know what is coming, and at the same time know that it will change who you define yourself as... wow...

I know that by the end of this year I will forever leave who I am now for who I will become. I know that the changes will be positive ones, and I will be happier because of them, and that thought is comforting. However, though I know that these changes will be good, I've enjoyed, for the most part, becoming who I am right now. I've known for a while now that I've really been kind of stuck and not making much progress, and I've been unhappy many times, but I've become comfortable in my little rut in the road. It's scary to move from your comfort zone. You know what they say though... you have to take the first steps into the darkness and then the Lord will light your way.

"Marilla, isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?"

It's 4 am, and I'm doing good so far. :)

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I could see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

*sigh* Who knows anymore...

I don't know what's wrong with me. Recently it seems like every corner that I turn, there's one more thing reminding me of what a horrible person I am. Or, well, not even that, just reminders of all of my shortcomings and failings. It gets to a point sometimes where I wonder why people even keep me around. I want to just crawl into a hole in the wall and disappear... I don't want them to have to be around me, because I guess I don't want to be around myself... I'm miserable and I don't know why and I hate it. I want so desperately to be happy, and there are moments when I catch a glimpse of it in my own life, but those moments are always so fleeting. The other day I was just thinking about things, and for some reason I thought about my favorite time of day. It's sunset. That's the most beautiful time of day, that quiet reflective moment where all the bustle of the day has calmed down to a quiet hum, and the world is serene and beautiful. The darkness of night hasn't quite enveloped it yet. The world is holding on to those last traces of day as long as it can. I'm lost somewhere in the dark and all I have to hold onto is the memory of that peace... I doubt I'm making any sense to anyone who might be reading this. I'm hardly making sense to myself. I think the hardest part of everything is the fact that I have no direction right now. I'm so lost, and I have no idea how to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. I've tried everything that has been suggested, and nothing has seemed to work, so if any of you have any suggestions.. well, they'd be welcome. At this point, I think I might just give up and stop trying.

ps... I apologize to those of you who read both my blog and my livejournal...

Another Update

Soooo... I've been told that I should update my blog more frequently. I believe them, but somehow I never seem to remember to do so when I'm actually sitting at a computer that has internet access... Anyway, I guess I'll tell you folks how my spring break went. At the beginning of the week my mother informed me that if I was going to stay at my house I would have to be awake and gone from the house by eight in the morning because the workmen were 'uncomfortable with me being there'. I mean come on people!!!!! It's my D*** house!!! My mom's reasoning was, "Well, you should be up and functional by that time anyway." UHHHHH okay mom... It's spring break and I'm going to be up every day at eight in the morning... I DON'T THINK SO. So, I didn't go home except to change clothes and shower this week. And, actually, at the end of the week they moved all of my crap and piled it in a corner so that the new carpet could be laid, so I couldn't have slept there even if I had wanted to... AND THEN my mom has the balls to be mad at me for not being around. WHATEVER...
Anyway. Art, Hannah, and I watched season 1 and season 2 of 24 during spring break. It was a great system really, we'd start a disc at about midnight, and then we'd watch two discs in about six hours, and then we'd go to bed, and I'd sleep long enough to just go to work and then end up at Art's around midnight again, and the cycle continued for four nights. And can I tell you, the ABSOLUTE love for Jack Bauer. lol. Last night Hannah and I spent about an hour and a half googling that man.. well, Keifer Sutherland.. but, well, yeah. He's hot. Those baby blues, the lips, the arms/shoulders... oh geez I could go on for hours. Oh, and the hilarious 24 moments that we had! Sooo many funny times, but the hands down favorite has to be the commando roll, the man down, and then... the plunger. We laughed forever!!! *sigh* oh well, now it's the second day back to classes, and I'm sooo ready for school to be over. A month and counting. I hope it goes fast.

ps... check out the link... click on the post title

LaDeDa

I have a cat. I hate my cat. Why? Because I can. My cat does annoying things, like getting under my feet. This weekend, my friend Rachael stayed with me and my cat just HAD to sleep with her. Oh well, it's not like the cat tried to eat her hair or anything. Although I did pluck her eyebrows. That was entertaining but then, it always is. At least she didn't scream as much this time. Gosh, that girl can scream. You should hear her when she gets mad. She can go on and on and on. It quite funny actually. But don't let her drive when she's mad. That can get pretty scary. At least she's never been mad at me. Although I suppose there's a first time for everything...